"?" by Robert Stadler
My grief and I have been residing in dark, dark places. I often have wondered whether I will succumb to this abyss or find my way out.
I have lost my faith these past 10 months. Everything I believed has been rattled and tossed about. I have been on a search for answers. My dad always teased me because I was incessant about “why?” I could never just settle for the simple answer. He would say “because” and that just wasn’t good enough for me. It would force us into long discussions that he was never prepared for. But he always gave me an answer that would satisfy me, or at least for a little bit.
Well, I am at it again. Why? Why? Why? Why? He is not here to say, “because, because, because, because.” He cannot give me the answers. I must find them for myself.
I have grown tired of being alone in these dark places. I know that the only thing that is going to help me find my way out will be my faith. There is no human being, alcoholic beverage, sleeping pill, or memory that is going to reach down and bring me back out. For me, it must be God. I want it to be God.
Just in realizing this, I am finding myself looking at a glimmer of light. I am comforted by it. I am seeing what my father saw in me. I am seeing the kind of faith he had. Just a little.
Maybe with my faith, I will not just crawl out of the abyss, but walk out. Finally, with my head held high and my grief at my side rather than on my back, I will become more of the person I was meant to be. Maybe, I will finally be at peace with the simple answer of “because.”
Dear Kimberly:
I have been so enlightened, and so touched by your honesty in your blogs about grief!! I have shared them with my friend who in December, lost her Dad suddenly as he walked from his favorite chair, eating his favorite snack, to the dinner table for Christmas. He was not ill, he was not sick and they were not prepared. Not that we are EVER prepared. And your blogs have brought her great comfort. She is able to relate completely!!
Anyway, your last blog titled “Walking Out” sparked a memory in me. I remember I had heard a guy talking about one of those “near death” experiences. I liked what he said though, he wasn’t “near” death, he was actually dead for over an hour.
Anyway, he said the most amazing thing was he realized he was in a wonderful place. From one moment to the next, he was standing in a magnificent place. And when he arrived there, he was not alone. He had this welcoming committee (so to speak) meet him. And it was those people, who in a sense, prepared his life for eternity. They were ONLY those people who had such an impact on his life, especially his faith and hope for eternal life, who met him!! And it was a reunion that was like one we have here on earth. He said the emotion and moment wasn’t that different then when we all meet for Christmas or some family reunion, but eveyone was as he described it — PERFECT. Everyone was PERFECT.
So I thought about your walking out. And I thought about your blog. And the facts that your Dad has literally prepared you!! He prepared you for who you are today, taught you the Faith and gave you the HOPE of eternal life in his teaching. And because of that, he will meet you on that day. Your Dad — PERFECTED — will be full of joy when he meets you. Joyful that you listened, joyful that you heeded his example… and then joyful that he can walk you hand in hand to the Father. I don’t know. Your blog reminded me of what that guy had said.
You said: “I am comforted by it. I am seeing what my father saw in me. I am seeing the kind of faith he had. Just a little.” And when I read that, I saw in my mind, that moment when he will meet you on that day, and take you in hand to see the Father.
This teaching prompted ME…and what it did was pushed ME want to make sure I am doing all that I can, in love and NOT PUSHING…but in preparation…preparing those I will someday leave behind, so when I meet THEM on that day, I will walk hand in hand to the Father with them.
Anyway, thanks so much for all your honest thoughts. They are a blessing to those you don’t even know!!
Sincerely….Marita Jeffrey (Candice’s Mom)
Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, and in all of your ways,acknowledge him, and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
I am praying for you. Lara
Your father DID give you the answer …
Because…that there is a higher power greater than ourselves. That’s Faith!!!!! BECAUSE!
Wow. what a special gift your Father is showing you.
Faith.