If this was all a dream, I would have never:
Charged after a woman in a hotel hallway
Lost weight and then gained then lost then gained and now lost
Had countless nights of insomnia
Experienced a hiatus in my running
Secretly wished my heart would just stop
Known what it was like to experience pure exhaustion
Lost relationships
Been like a leper to others
Fallen apart over and over again in front my children
Felt like a burden
Filed a lawsuit.
Been in financial distress
Acted like a lunatic
Had four jobs in one year.
Dreaded Christmas, Father’s Day, December 12th, January 30th, and April 2nd
Been vulnerable
Felt such guilt and regret
Had to force myself out of bed
Had the police knocking on my door
Lost my dear friend Clem a week after my dad
Spread his ashes
Created this blog
Felt and often continue to feel so completely lost
As the anniversary of his death approaches, I am reminded with a crystal clear reality; it is not a dream.
I’m sorry it’s been a dreamlike (or nightmarish) year of grief for you, and sorry it’s not over, and sorry it won’t ever be completely over. i hope that as you remember and continue to celebrate your awesome father, that you feel warmth and joy of memory alongside the pain. wish i could spend the day with you listening to all of your stories and memories, and give you a big hug. if you need anything, please feel free to call anytime.
Your words are beautiful, Kim. Thank you.