The Grief Diet: On the loss of my father

"Two Cows (Green on Green)" by Joe Veltkamp

It was a perfect day to take the dogs for a walk. So my parents had Bogie, Lassie, Daphne, and Sally. By the way, those are the names of their greyhounds. Except Daphne. Se is a whippit who wears pajamas.

But me, no! I was walking a cow.

It was brown with a white face. It walked along quietly as we headed down a busy street in hopes to find a grassy area with some shade. My cow was docile. No need to pull on the leash or yell commands such as sit, stay, or lay down. It didn’t leave my side. I observed the stares from passers by, but it didn’t bother me none. I was content with the cow by my side.

Our nice afternoon stroll then takes a turn for the worst. My mother is sitting on the grass with the dogs, and I am sitting next to my cow. I ask my mom, “Hey, where is dad?” I walk up a small hill to look for him. The dogs, the cow, and my mom are in the distance. I cannot see them, but I know they are there. I look for my dad. I am frantic now because he is gone.

My eye catches a police car. I think, “No. That can’t be him.” But my eyes have not deceived me. My dad is being handcuffed by the police. He glances over at me. His expression speaks words that he cannot. He tells me he doesn’t want to leave me. I begin to cry.

The scene then shifts to my parents’ house. I am relieved to see that my dad is home. I am following him from one room to the next. I ask him about his time in jail. He assures me that they ended up taking him to the hospital and fixing him. He tells me that he needed some readjustments and that everything is okay now. I believe him, as I always do.

I know it is so boring to hear other people’s dreams. But this is probably the most significant dream since my father’s death. I could spend pages writing about the many interpretations my husband and I have come up with. But rather than give you the long version, I will give you the short one. In this dream, I was able to be present when he disappeared, he communicated that he didn’t want to leave me, and then he came back readjusted. He reminded me that he was not gone.

Now the cow…I haven’t the faintest idea. In the Hindu religion a cow is sacred for the life it gives through its milk. It is revered, not worshipped. Why was I walking a cow? Does it represent my grief? My faith? Myself? Maybe it means nothing. Sometimes a cow is just a cow.

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P.S. There’s a great song by Daniel Johnston called “Walking the Cow.” I’m not sure it relates to my dream, but I think it might. Here’s a video of Eddie Vedder singing it. You can hear the original version here.

My dad and I are sitting in the living room of my old house in Yreka. I am sitting next to him on the couch talking to him like I had done a million times. He has his eyes wide open and he has a very sad expression. He is nodding his head from side to side, telling me no. He cannot speak. I ask him if he is dead, he nods yes.

I am standing outside of my parents house in Arizona. I walk out to my car to get ready to drive back to college.  He is underneath my car trying to fix something. There are tools scattered in the gravel. I tell him that he is dead, but yet I am still worried he is exerting himself. He pokes his head out to look at me. He shakes his head again as if he is telling me no. He cannot speak. He goes back to what he was doing.

These dreams came shortly after his death. I did not know what to make of them. I looked up grief dreams and found that having dreams of your deceased loved one unable to speak is common among mourners. What the heck does it mean?  Why is he not able to talk? Why would he shake his head at me while I was talking. He always wanted to hear what I had to say. Was his “no” some message to break through my denial? Or was he telling me that the relationship I once had with him was now going to be different? Was him fixing my car an indication that he will still be there when things break?

I am not sure what the analysts would say of these dreams. I guess it is how I interpret it and the meaning I assign to it that is important. Anyway, I was comforted by his presence even if it was in my unconscious. I am curious if while you were sleeping, you experienced something similar?